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If I'm antisocial or slow to reply to messages or comments, here, don't take it personal. I get depressed and lonely a LOT. Let me spill it all.

Ever since I was a kid, I've had BAD social anxiety issues and shyness issues. One on one, I can be cool as all hell. Just in groups and public places......well, you get the idea. Plus, I've always been a bit of an outcast/nerd type. I never cared for clubbing that much. Or sports or cars or many "guy interests". I'm more into scifi, art, comic books or music. I guess I just need to find people who share common interests to do things with.

Plus, the following things kind of add to my frustrations.

I hate my shitty part time job working retail and don't like working around the rude, apathetic, self-absorbed, animalistic, and/or stupid, unwashed masses. Retail has made me lose my faith in humanity.

Not that I had much before. I've had at least a few "friends" who stabbed me in the back: "player" type assholes who took advantage of me being a nice guy. Then you have people in society who are in such as assholish hurry that they will cut you off in traffic and almost cause an accident to get somewhere one second quicker, or be rude as hell customers. And for what?! Societal conditioning. So, yeah. I'm not big on the public anyway. Much less working with them. Then, even though I know I need to lighten up and laugh more, I can't stand the opposite extreme: people who cannot take anything serious EVER and are dumb as bricks. People who joke too damn much and don't know when to stop. Like one coworker who, even though he doesn't mean anything and I'm cool with him......let's say I'm deeply engorged in thought about something, trying to block out everything around me while I'm bagging, and being content with that, and I get a tap on my shoulder and this retard is trying to light a fart or something. Well, not really. lol. But you get my point. Sometimes I'm just NOT IN THE MOOD. Little things like that annoy me. Plus, half the time I actually do feel like talking at work, I can't say what I'm thinking because of customers, even if it's just an adult joke, sarcastic joke or opinion. Censorship due to working with the public.

Plus, I work in an area known for dumb, loudmouthed and/or sometimes violent rednecks, so the whole "bisexual" thing is something I'm very apprehensive and paranoid about too many people knowing. I mean, I've "been with" both, but I only "date" women, and want a girlfriend longterm. But, still, it's something I'm not happy completely being afraid to even show at all. Put it this way: I'm not considering a career in retail.

In addition to hating my job, I also hate my classes. I've taken a break for a bit, but am about ot go back to graduate with an associates in something I can't stand. I'm going on 3 1/2 years for a 2 year degree. Thing is, I barely passed some of these final courses, and feel overwhelmed. (Paid by my 2 years of government/ex-military benefits, which is why I'm even finishing the degree to begin with, so the time and money already spent wasn't wasted). I really don't feel AT ALL comfortable that I could do much of the ASP.NET and database stuff or network troubleshooting or much of it in general, by myself, without help. Plus, it bores me to the point where I want to scoop my eyes out with a teaspoon. I had always wanted to look into something like art, journalism, photography or human sociology, as possibilities, but thought that I should try to do something that would ensure more potential for job opportunities in the future... ie: something in computers. So, I made a compromise. Now, I'm fucking HATING it.

I half feel like I'm finishing also to please my father. He now lives in Florida, but always calls asking me to let him know when I'm graduating. He keeps wanting me to hurry up and get a job with my degree, and tells me he has friends who work for the town here who could hook me up with a job. My dad's a very cool person, and was much more laidback and cool than my mother, but I just know, in my mind he's going to have this attitude like "You quit the military and now you don't want to do this either. You need to get your shit together, son." Hell, even I'm thinking that, as I'm about to turn 30 years old. I half feel bad disappointing him, but I'm confused about what I really want to do. (I was chaptered out of the military, btw. Honorable discharge, though.)

With me, my two younger bros, 21 and 28, and my mother currently all under the same roof, barely keeping mortgage paid, it's rough. PLUS, 2 out of 3 of our cars are having problems every other week, and seem to be in the shop. Mine's on borrowed time, it feels like, and I don't feel like driving it more than I absolutely have to, which is usually just to and from work and a few other places. When I do drive, I keep my fingers crossed and just hope no speed obsessed assholes start tailgating me.

I've had throat problems that have made me feel like total shit, physically on a daily basis for at least the last 4-5 years, and trying to set up insurance when you're broke as fuck isn't easy. The ex-military benefits aren't that easy to set up, either. Personal service is lost on the fucking government. I might could do more if I had a better car, but.....oh well.

I'm almost 30, and have not had one real "date" with a woman. The little sexual experience I've had was brief. Hell, I lost my virginity to a hooker while I was in the military (FAR from satisfying). On top of it all, my shitty part time job may be cutting more hours, soon.

So much for a social life. So basically, to sum it all up: extreme social anxiety issues, feel like an outcast, I hate my job, I hate my classes, no idea about the future, poor as fuck barely paying mortgage and bills, no girlfriend, no social life, shitty cars in shop half the time, no time or money to get medical insurance or see a doctor, throat feels like total shit physically most of the time, paranoid about the "bi" thing being too "out" where I work, worried about disappointing my father...


How did that guy say it? Oh yeah. ......"You're born, life sucks, then you die."

The only thing that even keeps me going right now is the hope that things will change once I graduate, and maybe I'll eventually find a job I'm happy with. Things from that point have to get better. Right now, it's just all very confusing and stressful. So, like I said, don't take me ignoring you personal.